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No Fate But What We Make

First, some context for those stumbling across this post in the ether:

Before last Halloween, I met one of the most special people in my entire life, M'Lady Paintless, her amazingly talented husband Metz, and their three wonderfully amazing kids.

I'd known M'Lady for years before that off and on before they were known as M'Lady Paintless in the fandom, and I was one of the ones that helped 'vouch' for them moving to the US as Metz was not a US Citizen only M'Lady and the children were.

When we finally met after they'd moved to the US there were what I can only described as sparks, more intense and life-awakening than anything I've experienced before. We... weren't sure what to make of it. They were distinctly and steadfastly monogamous, from the get-go, while I was poly. But we enjoyed each others company, and I scheduled another visit out... and another... and we decided to try something insane... while it wasn't Poly, we were all open to... well... seeing what happened?

We pursued this approach, seeing what would grow... and kept finding places I'd stumble, I'd face-plant... just... places where I stopped, suddenly out of road to drive down...

The best example I can give, is it took someone telling me I should be scrubbing my shower floor. I'd been washing it out and wiping it down, but I'd never scrubbed the textured surface. I simply didn't realize there was a concern towards keeping it looking that clean, I just... I'd never considered it before.

Or as another example, I was told to pull some stuff out of the fridge, and the lettuce I pulled out was wilted and very sad looking, almost slimy at points. I... had eaten lettuce in that state plenty of times, and when she complained the look on my face explained it all: "Huh? What's the problem?"

I've... basically never truly wanted in my life; I've had to eat very bad stuff compared to what most of the US expects I think, including dumpster-diving at grocery stores at times, but I've never wanted. I've had plenty of food, plenty of safety, plenty of sleep. I've never truly had hardship, someone in my web of friends always stepped in and helped me out... but I'd come to rely on that web existing, that safety net. So I'd never grown up, never hit rock bottom to find where I could for sure plant my feet, just trudged through the swamp of life so far to date.

And for not wanting... I'd never learned what I wanted either. So I almost never make a decision, I always pushed it off; like even when asked which baked potato I'd want from a tray from the oven? I'd freeze up. Just solid... not have an answer, not even able to choose such a simple thing. I froze.

I'd learned early on to just push off the decision to others, what do THEY want? How can I help THEM? Not outwardly submissive, but indirectly passive-aggressive type submissiveness even if I was domineering (beyond dominant in a bad way) about doing or getting it.

Beyond that, I also was... impatient? ...rushed? By the time it mattered, we'd clashed heads so often I was almost waiting for us to clash heads again, if we had time to cuddle or anything I'd almost have a list of bullet-points I'd run by as fast as I could, trying to complete the list before I got my hands bit or we butted heads... and THAT caused us to butt heads all the more.

So, yeah, I kept cascading a huge failure state between us.

Me and the kids? We got along quite well mostly, though I found out finally what scared them about me. To be frank... I explain things in too much depth and left too deep an understanding of why something was bad, instead of just a quick 'That's bad!' I'd explain why.

Me and Metz? Still get along just fine. As Metz put it: I'm a great technical 'employee' mindset, I can tackle design ideas for hardware to support a design easily, and implement them for computers at least.

But overall? I'm simply immature. In ways I couldn't understand before because I'd never been around those that had lived a truly hard life, I'd been around those that I could 'rescue' repeatedly, or that would willingly keep giving me tasks to complete and micro-manage me. I'd been taken advantage of and take advantage of others, in lay-mans terms I'm learning I've got something that's... similar to co-dependence, but I'd learned to fix some pieces in recent years without realizing, so I'm not fitting it in every way, but it's a good fit and is helping some to learn more.

So, recently, we'd decided I needed to move out to an apartment nearby; we simply needed distance while I fixed my personal issues we've found. My physical issues I've mostly fixed at this point, I'm healthier than I have been in YEARS, and have shed considerable weight, over 40lbs though I have no goal so I haven't kept track.

Then, today, a friend was driving the rest of my stuff out from Kansas City, something we'd scheduled before now but I'd forgotten about. So I discussed it with M'Lady and Metz and the driver, and we decided I should take advantage of the ride and help with the drive back to Kansas City if I could find somewhere to stay there.

It says a lot that it's still fine for my stuff to stay w/ M'Lady and Metz for now. There's no ill will there, it's simply that there's critical damage between myself and M'Lady right now, damage that can't be repaired while we're in the presence of each other. Healing is needed.

And then in another change of circumstance, Karma of Sparkle Kreations contacted me the night before my Kansas City driver was coming out, and asked if I could help them with some fursuit work, specifically soldering fursuit bits.

So... plans tweak again, my driver was fine hanging out for a few hours, so we (me, Karma, Cirque, and the driver) all went out to a local mall just to hang out, see if we get along as a group, and discuss the possibility of me staying for 4-6 weeks to save up enough to get an apartment.

And that's where I'm at now. Moved a few dozen miles away to stay at a friend's place for a month and change, and then I'll have an apartment entirely on my own for a month or two before my future roommates can move out and we'll be there for at least a year, seeing where we are at that point.

So... that's where I am now, what mistakes I personally made to end up here, and what I'm doing about it medium to long term. But I'm staying in the Denver area, I'll be around at some meets w/ Karma and Cirque perhaps, and I think that summarizes the current situation.

As for where I hope to be after that? I still wear the necklace M'Lady gave me, I will continue wearing that. I still have hope. This hasn't been a door closing, not yet; this is very much a last ditch effort to avoid having to close this door, pulling back to re-assess and let things calm down, let the irritation die down as I work through my issues.

But this attempt to repair things... it hurts. A lot. I won't deny that. I haven't cried this much since Vex's funeral, haven't been this much of a mess in years. M'Lady would and has told e to stop staring at the wreckage and do something to clean it up. And I am. Tears or not, I'm moving, not wallowing in those tears.




Edit in 2016: I'd posted this months ago, but M'Lady Paintless felt it revealed far too much, and that it could be used to hurt the kids, and to paraphrase her: If I threatened the kids she would destroy me. So I removed access to this post at the time.

She has since blocked me online entirely instead of ever suggesting what I could edit to post this, so I'm unlocking it for public view at this point.

A lot of what I wrote at the time was in the mindview of trying to make amends still, hoping to patch things up, but that ship has well and truly sailed at this point. I'll never truly understand what I did wrong, only taking solace in that I never gave up on things until she gave up on me.
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