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Well, I saw Reign of Fire today...
Interesting film. Feels around half ro three-quarters of an hour too short though, and severely rushed.
Looking at it from a bio/chemistry/physics perspective though, damn, it roxors in some places. Yeah, it's a little flimsy on the 'core principle' that the entire movie revolves around, but that's usually the one 'gimme' a movie can expect. :-)
Still, later today I'll be at Rick and Tess's cafe... Might see `Nyssa there if she shows up. Hope to talk to her, since she seems to think I'm trying to run off in a corner or something...
She's half-right. I am, but not for the reasons she states. I'm saying/typing this after being up for far too many hours, and being about to go crash for a while, so forgive a little rambling.
When this whole blow-up first happened... she compared me to Remy. And I heard roughly, from herself a bit less and from what was written she'd said in various places that she was somewhere between never wanting to have anything to do with me except perhaps as a one-night stand, and wanting me to effectively go away for a month and then see where things go from there.
I took this at as close to face value as the varied messaged would allow.
I'm determined not to lose touch with her and Steph over this, was when it happened. If I let that happen, I've let my flame snuff itself out like it always likes to do, let myself fall into a damnable funk again.
So with one side apparently telling me to, if nothing else, bug off for a month or so, and the other being the only side I could keep in touch with, well... I can see how she'd think I was trying to avoid her, or brush her off.
I didn't mean for it to feel like that, my intentions were good, or at least I hope they were, but I should have risked the bit of fire to explain my reasoning for my actions mroe throughly somewhere before doing them I guess, be it here or elsewhere.
As a quick example of you're even reading this, Allison, there was a reason I didn't comment on your recent request for sacrificial flesh. You're mildly wrong about me, hon. Yes, I love the feeling, the sensation of letting the more animalistic, feral, rampaging side of my blood flow through, in, and out of me. But I refuse to let myself become, in my soul, an animal like that. I refuse to be a series of one-night-stands for anyone... even you dear.
And ya' know something, hon? You may not realize this, but I don't think you could have physically chosen a more cutting phrase than to compare me to Remy, short of comparing me to my father, whom you've never met that I know of so for all I know you might have used that instead.
I read far too much into the written word, just as I take much of the spoken word too flatly, too emotionlessly, compared to it's true value and meaning.
And, sadly, my actions sometimes speak far louder than my words, and say things I wish they wouldn't.
And I hurt those I care about...
Re: Dude...
I know (from firsthand experience [see my disclaimer at the bottom of this message]) what it is like to feel completely unable to learn or grow the way anyone else does -- what it nets is feelings of depression, being an outsider, and a slow retreat from anything resembling self-improvement. I also know the 'fear of success' that comes with it -- the feeling that just because I'm good at one thing, I'll succeed, and I'll be asked to do things that I -don't- know how to do. (One of the social problems that people with AS face is that they're perceived to be competent, and the gaps in their knowledge are never clearly seen.)
For me, having Marcus treat me as though I have AS, and treating the world as though I have AS, actually gives me enough tools to -truly- succeed and thrive -- not just succeed in name only, feeling terrified that the sham will be exposed. It gives me the latitude to say, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that," without feeling like a complete and utter moron. It gives me the ability to -win-. Not just feel like a perpetual loser that is constantly smacked when anything that I did turned out right and I got more self-esteem to try new things. It lets me accept what I am good at, and be able to admit that I don't know, and thus learn appropriately.
It is his choice, yes -- and I don't want to see him get fucked up, any more than you do. That's why I'm suggesting this course of action -- it's obvious that he has some set of social problems, and it's quite honestly (from watching him for several years) most likely a pervasive development disorder of some sort. It may not be possible to get rid of the disorder, but it's possible to teach those with it how to survive, cope, learn, thrive, and win.
[disclaimer: I've not been formally diagnosed with AS. Marcus chose to treat me as though I had it, because every problem that I have would either be a first-level or second-level outgrowth of it... and the simplest solution is to treat me as though I have one condition that causes issues, rather than many, many different problems that are issues in and of themselves.
The way Marcus characterizes it is, "I couldn't figure out why you weren't getting past these problems... and finally, I had to look at the possibility that you have an honest neurobiological disorder that makes it so you CAN'T get past these problems, the way I was trying to teach you."]
The biggest problem for getting ANY treatment though...