There are times I think I see him peeling outta the dark...

[wolfwings]

So many years ago... and yet I still find his music holding my life together.

So many years ago... I looked down that long, dark, chrome-lined tunnel into one's soul... and found myself talked away from that ledge by the same voice I'm listening to now, but for so many different reasons this time.

I look back on myself, where I've been, and wonder where I'm going. Wondering if I'm walking the right path, the good path. IF I was religious in that way, if I was walking the Hold path under His protection. As it is, I just wonder if I should stop to catch a bite to eat with the bum on the side of the road, or hold out till the Truck Stop down the road instead, either way I'll learn something more interesting to me, personally. :-)

Why am I so damn bitchy suddenly, why am I in this mood where I have zero tolerance for anything? I'm in one of those 'I don't give a flaming damn about you today, what about ME?' moods. Those 'I'm not here to help keep you upright today, I'm falling over!' moods.

I'm wishing I had someone I could... not curl up with. Not feel so bound up with, someone I could bitch and rant around, I could drive up to the mountains and just go TEARING off through the woods, barreling through the underbrush without heed for injury, or pain, or anything else. Turn myself into a bloody, growling, prowling beast, and revel in the sheer feralness of it all... the pure emotional energy unleashed when my barriers, when my restraints are cast aside. When my soul, my furnace, my true voice is loosed upon this mortal coil...

Once upon a time was a backbeat! Once upon a time all the poets came to life! And the Angels had guitars even before they had wings! If you hold on to a chorus you can get through the night!

I... I wish I knew what was getting into me, I'm just feeling so... shrouded, so bound up and listless, like something inside me is struggling to break loose...

I know what started it though. My jackets. My leather suit, and old beat-up army coat. Both have been with me for ages, one as a joke, one as my lifeblood... one with embroidery I picked out myself, and that I've worn everywhere, through everything. One I've poured my soul into... kept it locked away inside... and I wore it for the first time in years practically. Felt the raw power coursing through my body again, intoxicating...

I would nearly appologize to making this sound so odd, but screw you all if you don't understand for once. :-) I'm not appologetic for what I am... I am me. Myself. I've just tapped into a part of myself I'd locked away with a key, and forgotten I'd kept the key around at all.

Comments

[manawolf.livejournal.com]

Everyone needs to just exist for themselves once in a while (be selfish if you will), and that goes double for such a generous and vivacious furson as yourself. :)

[kensan-oni.livejournal.com]

What Mana said, doubled.

I've seen you... I see you when you get upset. And you leave before you let whatever is coursing in your body that is screaming what you want to say out. It's not good for you, Woflie. It's going to tear you up inside.

I don't know the history of the jackets. I do know that you were prouder then anything to wear that leather jacket, and that you wanted people to see you in it. It gave you a sense of pride. (the fact that no one could tell you were a lawyer, I suppose was a disappointment, but you looked good, at least. :')).

The only thing I can suggest is find yourself a big peice of bubble wrap... I mean at least two to three feet long... and stomp on it. Again and again, listening to the little pops, untill there are no more pops to be had. Then hunt down for the ones that got away... It's not much of a solution, but you should feel a little better.

If you need to chew out someone, give me call. You should know the number.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

As my friends in the Marines would put it, "HOO-RAH!"
Or as certain other friends would put it, "You _go_ girl!"

There's nothing at all odd or scary about this . . . it's normal. Not mundane, but normal.

You basically need to go tear shit up and remind yourself that you're the descendant of four million years of predation. With a friend or two along to keep you from chasing down cars (and catching them) . . . just don't get arrested and you'll be fine . . .

The jackets... have stories behind them.

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

The leather jacket, it's just the raw power of the material, the soul bound up inside it from the curing... anything that's honest-to-goddess leather has that, I feel it...

The army coat... it's got MY soul bound up inside it, in every long-worn fiber of it's being, from the liner to the sleeves to the hood. It's been through hell and back with me, through the good times and the bad.

Through life, and through death, of those closest to me, of the closest thing I'll ever have to true brothers...

*grins at the end of your comment* And it's not that I need someone to chew out, it's that I need somewhere to ravage, some place I can tear across like it just doesn't matter anymore...

I'd try the bubble idea... but it's too far disconnected from nature, from the force of life flowing around me as I move...

It's... too plastic a solution. :-)

Pretty much... yes, yes, and yes.

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

Just somewhere outside of this concrete jungle for a week. :-)

Gods, I keep making little week-long trips away from here more and more lately, trying to catch hold of what I had when I lived out in the woods before. =^.^= Now if only your property had enough power to run my computer and a dialup line better than 14.4, I'd be there. :-)

I... dunno what to say to that, except...

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

...thanks, Sarah! *pouncehugs*

There's so little to really say, except thanks, hon. Both for the understanding, and compliments. =^.^=

[sardonicus.livejournal.com]

I don't know if Mana and Co are going up to Mount Baldy again.....but wouldn't that be a perfect place to roam, even with the burn off?

I understand about the jacket, I think. There was a lovely old navy pea-coat I had for years, since my teen time. It grew to be too short at the wrists, but for me it held the sea, storms, the scent of Maine summers, and the smell of pine trees. Damn the airline for loosing it...

Few words.

[lionman.livejournal.com]

Sometimes feelings speak louder than words.

*LionHUG*

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Hey, no need to apologize. If we didn't like what you wrote, we'd just smile and nod, ne? -=^_^=- *hug, nibbles on ears* Be happy! ;P mmm....power.... ^_^ You should come up here, we can find a spot somewhere....and you could go run through the redwoods!! Well...maybe not during the winter ^_^;;;;; It gets COLD here! But hey, with us, you can be who you are. We still love you. :)

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

Gods... that is SO tempting right now... *murs* Still... *counternibbles* ...gotcha! *grins and runs off*

Honestly though, um... cold? Sounds like even better weather to go charging off through, snow feels great on my toes. =^.^= Yes, I'm insane. *giggles*

*smiles*

[aerowolf.livejournal.com]

I love you, bro.

[jade-darkness.livejournal.com]

*clears throat as she pounces humps and nibbles*
Dont worry about anything wolfi...just do what you ahve to do... trust me holding in anything can tear you up form the inside out. You saw how bad it affected me and what i did to everyone around me. So know i, mana, mira, sardonicus can all deffintaly relate to what yoru going through, just let it go in anyway you can, i've got back to my normal outlit of writing though i'ts not working as well as it used to becaus of other factors but it's doing it's job. Everyone has their own way of letting things out. So just enjoy life and what you have with it, you got friends who understand and will help you in everuy way possible ;P just dont forget we're here for you when you need us

ps. dont be like me ;)

palm paws?

[(Anonymous)]

maybe... maybe make one of your trips out to Palm Springs, where they have those naturist places.. you can take it all off and run at high speed unencumbered until you pass out! :D