wolfwings

still keyed to maximum stress right now, which is pretty normal for being trapped 5 hrs in front of a screen without real breaks

after discovering you sat in cat pee

after having a night of nightmares where everyones asking why you didnt do your homework this week and you keep explaining well my father was in the hospital and they go i really dont care and i dont want to hear it no excuses wheres your homework

blughgggh

i moved my little iron yard ornaments of hedgehogs (like, sillouettes on stakes) to the sawed stump. the soft rot in the center meant i could cluster them all around it like they're up there having a hedgehog meeting. the smell of it was incredible because there's some intense humidity right now and a real desire from the sky to let loose and rain - but it hasn't happened yet. it was the smell of undiluted and fresh wood rot turned to dirt, mixed with the dry sawdust smell of when it was cut. clean, soft to the touch crumbling dirt has its own sweet scent. mixing together was really wonderful. highlight of my day tbqh

also wired headphones arrived so i can adjust the volume on the mp3 player via the mp3 player when listening in bed or whatever yayyyy

no ttrpg tonight, GM's either busy or recovering from the doctor and i forget which. i'm going to take the chance and seize on a few hours fucking around playing final fantasy. though i should undoubtly do some stretches and such first. like i said. tethered to a chair for five hours.

i have been poking at some new podcasts, though there's really a derth of good new stuff right now. i think i mentioned land's end - a story abt a shepard with a mutating flock. i also liked dead arcology, a post-apoc scifi told from several points of view. there's a lot on dead arcology still to be explained and uncovered and i like that. i'm interested in the hexings too, but the sound mixing (especially for the censorship beep) really needs some help. it is way, way too loud. and used very regularly. which makes for a disruptive and kinda annoying listen in parts especially at night. theres a few other i'm meh on that i found but i guess if they begin to wow me i'll write them up.

pop got his oxygen setup at home, and i didn't have a chance to take the scooter out today. i mean shit i didnt even have a chance until about ten minutes ago to wash the piss laundry. streaming day is kind of do literally nothing else and pray you make over min wage while youre at it. but i do absolutely feel i get treated more humanely when it's pencils pens and paper.

tired, should eat, being heckled by a goblin to pull out a cat bed for her.
later

monitor replaced. arborists came a day early!!! and i couldnt get them paid bc even starting red with the kick throttle made her throttle just. stick. like wide open full speed. i dont know why this is??? im glad i took a video or id think i was losing my fucking mind, because when alph got home to look at it... of course she didn't want to do it again. he changed the battery out tho so at least the automatic start works again. maybe it is related. maybe not. machines are curious beasts.

replaced the monitor - dislike giving a dime to walmurt but it's that or like, an hour trip. aint nowhere else with monitors nearby anymore, the computer store truly is a thing of the past. why do that everyone wants a cursed rectangle. bah and humbug. the new monitor is slighlty smaller and a warmer tint? but whatever, it stays on, that's the main thing. it was hard to even pay to make prints or look at refs before. fucking rest in pieces

also i chipped my glasses right in the middle of the lense already arbg bgabg of course i did, i drop everything. i was painting and they hit the hard wood floor or bounced off some edge somewhere and now theres a tiny foggy speck that i cannot remove. i have only my own self to blame for this, but the paintings are coming along ok???

i think my dad is just glad to be home, im giving him a few days to not have me annoying him calling at all hours. hopefully he'll have an o2 setup by then for worst scenarios? hopefully.

the big ash tree by the driveway on top of a giant pile of rocks has come down, i said that then got derailed still being upset that i couldnt pay the guys bc of scooter behaving crazy. but it is a big sad feeling to me. looking at the stump, the rot was all through the center. there was no saving this tree, there is no saving any of these ash trees at this point i feel. maybe if the beetles lose all their food supply and die out and we wait like ten years then we can start replanting, but right now our entire forests up here have lost a mainstay tree. maples and oaks are still prevelent, but should something attack /them/ i don't like to think. i still dont like to think what this means for areas where ash trees grew densely. areas that were shade for hundreds of years are now in sun. old root systems might hold soil in place for a while, but especially at these high altitudes... ah well. frightening as the prospect of a flash flood is, i think i'd still rather face that than a forest fire.

a forest fire, see, there's actually parts of the ecosystem evolved to come back after one. what do you think pinecones are all about? there's whole species of pinecone that's like: i need to be on fire to make new baby trees. there are all these amazing things in nature to respond to threats that occur outside an organism's control... but we've fucked with the balance so much, the threats now occur at wildly unpredictable and frequent bursts that nothin and nobody wants to keep up with or their head will explode.

so like obviously ive been a stressed out mess today. not a surprise because i had a very stressful week of my dad being in the hospital very far away!!!! but i hate when it comes out in a pinch point crisis like 'tree guys here a day early and u cant pay them without risking life and limb lol lmfao lol' i am never at my best then. i am never at my kindest.

alph brought me a frozen coffee to cheer me up but also i was like what if that was my dinner. my big old stress response has Always been 'physical needs shut down' - and like i said, the med i'm on does jack shit for anxiety


speaking of for the first time ever the pharmacy wanted to shake a finger of concern at me for taking venlafaxine with tamoxifen. the entire reason i am ON venlafaxine is because it is one of the SAFER ones for tamoxifen. like i had to do so much homework on this but a lot of SSRI and SNRI either dont work as well or inhibit the work of the cancer drug when used because of liver enzyme competition. i've known this for 5-6 years, because of course the first thing i -did- starting a new medication was read as much as i could about its interactions with ANY of my OLD medications. that's just due dillegence??? like, studies are dry but that's what overviews are for. and you read enough studies you can put together a risk/benefit assessment picture for yourself. that is WHY i stopped taking sertraline (zoloft) even tho it helped mitigate my anxiety and shortened the length and severity of depressive episodes. i just. i dont know. i feel so tired when i'm telling my doctors things like that, and when it takes six years for standard pharmacist knowledge to catch up.

i am so tired of it all, etc. that's why i took a depression nap with ren, again. she's always there for me to have a crisis snuggle.

tomorrow i gotta try to meet w the arborist and pay up, i cant stand the idea of not getting him paid. i am still feeling upset over all the little compounded misfortunes and miseries today, but i always am. i feel like an ancestor of mine on the emerald isle got drunk and urinated on one of the fae folk and i'm still paying the debt. it would be a very doyle thing to do, see.

i half watched (screen blacking out, plus i was painting) some lousy horror movie called Birthright (2025). i thought it might go somewhere because the premise was a pair of moms trying to have a kid together inherit a house with a SINISTER PAST and that could mean ghosts! or demons. or demon ghosts. unfortunately it was just boring cult sins of your parents stuff with a side of take your meds dont be crazy (i HATE when thats part of the conversation in horror. just throw a lil ableism around why not) but of note were two parts that made me laugh. one, some dude got his neck sliced off with..... a deer antler. like lmfao even if you sharpened the point it is a piercing item. the antlers pierce, they do not slice. as a big part of team knife i assure you of this. like if you DID make it a blade, it would look a lot different from its normal deer antler shape. it'd be all thinned and sharpened. anyway

the second good part was whoever trained the dog (simon, a golden mix?) had him perfectly trained to do a seen of boofing. you know boofing, right? when a large sized dog is at attention watching something they've deemed suspicious and wants to bark, but also, they know humans are not the biggest fans of bark bark so instead the kind of try to quietly bark and it comes out 'boof' - like a self muffled bark. so simon the dog went "boof" on a nature trail several times in sequence while being called by the actress. and i compulsively boof'd back. it was just my natural response when dogs went boof in real life!!!! like i'd boof and ask them what they saw, and then boof a little with them when i saw it was like, a person walking a dog or whatever. sometimes dogs growl a little and boof, sometimes they just boof... but i guess it's a sound i miss, living dog-less as i am these years.

though i do have two cats in the studio with me right now. pretty okay trade i guess.

i wish i did more than stress about shit and paint a tiny bit today, big Wasted Day feelings. big emotions are such a drag sometimes.

i have a neighbor, shes like in her 60s/70s. she lives alone, mostly just talks to her brother and neighbors. she spends most of her day just cleaning up and taking care of the playground area in our neighborhood. i really cant help but feel like... people dont realize how much of the world is held up by people like her? and when people like her are gone, there's gonna come a time when either they need to relearn how to do these things for themselves or pay people to do them. i feel like america's community destruction for the interests of white supremacy is nothinig but a snake eating its own tail and no good comes of it. everything falls apart when white supremacy gets its way. which is also why i dont trust anything complying with the demands of white supremacists in advance... and there sure are lots of those motherfuckers about these days.

i should get off gmail. talk about going full animal farm, google erasing their "dont be evil" motto. though i guess i felt like they were always trending that way ever since my friend ran a mage in D&D who set up a google-esque empire devoted to the acquisition and retention of all knowledge in trade and it sort of almost instantly leaned sinister in its allegiances and intentions when granted that great powerful access. one might say we essentially ran a simulation of what the endgame of google was going to be, and it was evil. even if begun with pure intentions, when morality was not being enforced or rewarded in any meaningful way... great power of any kind sort of rapidly corrupts anything it stays in prolonged touch with.

which i think was the original idea behind 'lets not have monarchs' but when you concentrate power within one group (old white men) you still get the same problem....

'it could never happen here!' everyone kept telling me when i warned them over and over again it most assuredly was in fact happening here and has happened here before and if you are sincerely still in denial things are gonna get real dark real soon and i will be ~later days~ from your dangerous untrustworthy ass at that point

and yet they are shocked i hold my distance

well no one ever accused my sister or mom of being particularly observant or in posession of strong critical thinking skills. sucks theyre also posessed of the vice of comfort over facing an unpleasant truth. o h well. my personal vice of self destruction is, at least, a little more socially acceptable these days. smoking one weed a day in emulation of Kim Kitsuragi isn't the worst thing ive done to this meat cage by far. but it really isn't the best either. even once a day, i still sometimes wake up and need to do a nasty cough. or wake up feeling a little bit of a wheeze. even if it goes away, and even if i stop doing this all winter because i can't go outside and keep the smell out of hte house, it's not at ALL great. do not smoke, would not reccomend it for anyone's safety alone, 1/10 on the safety for your body longterm scale especially if you're doing it a lot and not filtering it or using a nasty dirty pipe.

but also, there have not been enough studies on vapes to convince me they're substantially safer yet- especially with additives for flavor. and currently especially with weed, vapes are a much /much/ stronger concentration than smoking a joint... which causes tolerance to build a lot faster. which in turn makes it a more expensive habit. so i also would not reccomend /those/...

i guess to crib the Jim's Big Ego lyric, all things being equal: they're not. all things being healthy: they're not. that's the nature of vice, it's going to bite you in the ass somehow. but like taking antidepressants while also taking a cancer medication, you i guess do a risk/benefit assessment and decide for yourself what you're going to run with. and for me personally, i think the benefit either equals or outweighs the risk to smoke a weed once a day, so here we are. "but what about the paranoia" please, like i havent been quoting the edgey 90s tshirt since i was a child that says "you're not paranoia if they're really all out to get you"

as far as tshirt wisdom goes, i gotta say that's pretty S class. def miles above my other teen favs like "youre just jealous the little voices talk to me" (hey, not everyone has inner monologue/dialogue. their loss!) and "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor" (i was nothing if not obvious in signaling where my mental health issues was going to lead me in the near future. it was the bad of my guardians for not expecting me to also be furtive and guarded about displaying such weakness around them....) and really if you had to hold all the tshirt slogans of my youth up (including Big Dogs) against Moby Dick and ask me which one i'd rather read again? considering it'd be my 3rd or 4th time thru Moby Dick and i /never/ found it an enjoyable text? i'd go tshirts lmfao that's just my personal trashy taste in literature.

and yet i will ocassionally chew on gormanghast ... i guess gormanghast paints a better or at least more viariable visual picture for me. strange castles filled with mold and dust and ritual, weird mountains and towns clawing in misery on the hope their art might someday be immortalized in the halls of the slow dying weird monarch lines. trains of hundreds of white cats, furious and clever evil youth, kind of sharp in their biting satire but also too chattery to make it of value doctors and their totally unattractive but extremely horny sisters... gormanghast has a lot going on. it just takes ten thousand million years to get there. moby dick is more like an anxiety of being trapped in a car with an unstable person (basically, my youth in pennsylvania with my mom at the wheel) only dragged out with death metaphors for chapter after chapter. it is just not for me, it is just not enjoyable to me. force me to relive the poor taste of my teen fashion and i will bear that with a smile. another drag through melville? i can only hear about whaling history so many times without wanting to just quit the argument abaout if the bed will be soft or if one clam will feed both ishmael and quequeg entirely and go read about whaling (or read melville's previous book Redburn, which is about whaling but without the death symbolism) ... things ive said a million times.

they tell you repeating stories is how you can tell you're getting old

buddy i feel like i've been old for a long time now and nearly dying sure didnt help

but i will be here tomorrow i guess
for whatever the fight i have left in me is worth

pop's still in the hospital, and i continue to feel very low at my inability to make things better ~in general~ if not in specific. even if i could drive the 11 hours by car, what would i do when i arrive? idk.

i keep mixing up pcos (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) with copd (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) which is what my dad has. which isnt the first time, wont be the last time, and is very funny to doctors.

last night both me and alph just went to bed like two hours early. depression tired, for sure. the problem with depression exhaustion is that it doesnt matter how long i sleep, the problems aren't gone by the time i awaken. which is i think what the brain is trying to do. just fast forward through the stress. crumbs to that, i guess.

thet insulation for our attic crawlspace arrived today, now i just need a day it's not actually dangerously hot and also alph is home in order to start the insulation process. it's all very tightly wrapped in plastic but i'm secretly hoping if i leave it outside i'll tempt the weather into rain. we're very dry here. imo, brush fire risk. when i reach up and clutch the leaves of our lilac tree, they're so brittle they crumble in my palm like it was fall. just dried out completely. forest fires really frighten me, i used to have nightmares about them a lot as a child. so this ambient anxiety is also a factor in how i'm feeling. we already have an air quality alert until 11pm for high ozone at high elevations.

my monitor has been acting weird today. it's probably a mixture of the heat and it being the cheapest monitor at the micro center a few years ago. it keeps going all black regardless of if i'm jostling anything. then i have to wiggle the connective wire until it comes back. the monitor itself gets really warm so i'm thinking it may be a heat related issue. but so far so good today on the internet/phone staying up.

no cultures have grown from the samples they took from my dad so the thinking is... this is just what COPD looks like. random pnuemonia and bronchial infections that send him to the ER and require steroids and antibiotics via IV to fight off. i dont like it. it feels like it's the end of the road. i've been leaning a lot on ren (my cat) for support, because she's very attuned to my moods. but it also makes me think how my cat might outlive my parent only to die shortly after, and that sends my brain into a spiral too.

i know i've posted about it before, but this really is just more affirmation that venlafaxine doesnt do anything for my anxiety. ymmv, every brain is different. but for me it's not done a damn thing. recently they had me go up on it, taking a higher dose. no change. but come october i'll only have 3 more years on my cancer drug tamoxifen. then i can go back to ssris that work for me. but i really hate it. being anxious takes up so much energy and derails so much thinking, wasting so much time.

managed a few household chores today, in spite of unplanned depression naps. got some work done for the indie game project, but not nearly what i had hoped to be at by this date.

i kind of hate that my prediction that trump would declare martial law in DC first is coming true. i kind of hate how i see through all this shit and yet can do nothing about it but try to help others survive it.

speaking of my friend raile's car engine is destroying itself. please help him & his husband joe out if you have a few spare dollars. https://www.gofundme.com/f/car-engine-is-trashed-need-a-new-car


i know that in theory i should be able to change my scooter's battery on my own, but also, when i feel really low i lack any confidence in myself. so uh. it isnt happening yet. it is really sincerely hard to push past the urge to just go to sleep and hope not to wake up in the same reality. as full of weird shit as my nightmares are (like getting a glass smashed on my back and then cleaning up the shards?) i can walk around shirtless in them, and run a hand through my hair. so whatever those realities are, they're preferable. even if i'm haunted just as much there, in different ways.

what is a haunting if not a love story anyway?

i really do prefer the long form journaling for talking about things like emotion. i really do. there's such an unconcious pressure in microblogging to remain positive and bubbly and have a smiling outward face. it feels very much like you're working as a cashier. and i understand why? there's so much non-human negativity coming from all sides. news doesn't care to consider your emotions before posting, and so that smiling persona becomes a refuge. but it's false, and it takes a toll on the person who's got to keep up that facade. granted, being honest and open about my mental health ups and downs was what got Someone to start screaming at me to quit blogging all together... but i think they were wrong. i think they were selfish, and wanted a world where the only one with a right to talk about it was them. which they never did anyway. so, i remain pointlessly open about my brain trying to eat itself.

days til PCCC are closing in... i really gotta get these plush steam cleaned for rehoming.

ttyl.

not much has changed with my dad. now its bronchitis and pneumonia, stable in hospital, needs to see a pulmonologist. im trying not to obsess over it. i dont like being far away and i dont like impending mortality of loved ones. who does i guess

so instead i guess ill write about how inexplicably (or possibly, explicably) i've been thinking a lot about the judy garland wizard of oz movie lately. it was such an iconic piece of americana but then the reality of judy's life was so dark, so was her daughter carrie's growing up?? but also like, what do you think a girl growing up alone on a farm in tornado alley dustbowl kansas wouldve had to look forward to when home from oz? i guess being surrounded by the hot men she saw analogies of in oz, at least in the movie version. in the books she just went back to oz. but especially the movie, who could just be happy in kansas after they'd seen oz? i think that's kind of what lead to the queer culture connecting with it. wouldn't you want to go back to oz, even with all its dangers, just for the mystery and the beauty? and maybe no place like home feels like an ironic joke to you anyway.

maybe this is just because the way i have cinne dressed in final fantasy keeps reminding me of the scarecrow, but also its been a while since i watched the movie so maybe my soul is just telling me it's due time again.

we went to the east coats gem & mineral show today. no rocks or objects really leapt out as must-take-home, but orbs are making a comeback. as it should always be, imo. lots of really cool really good fossils, a few skulls with crystals grown on em and the odd bug under glass. every year there seems to be a Thing that damn near every shop is selling and this year it was like an overpriced variable wave flourescent light to look at your flourescy rocks under. granted, those are pretty cool, i don't really think i'd want to build a whole setup just to look at them. for now.

some museum or club found huge boxes of ancient (1930s-1960s) paper trade magazines for rock enthusiasts. they were all musty and smelled of basement and they were just giving htem away for free so i grabbed a few. the 60s ones are just that, magazines of trade. lots of machinery for jewelry and rock trades and rock sales etc. but there's some editorial pieces, and sometimes people sent in rocks to be identified and the newsletter wrote back what they were. there were also some really racist stock art cartoon headers thank you america 1960s

the 1930s one was much more dry, strictly a scientific publication on how they were playing with heat and light sources and shooting them through various crystals and recording the results and writing how, mathmatically, this was happening. mostly completely incomprehensible, but the idea is i guess that you could replicate such experiements yourself and see what cool stuff rocks did when subjected to a lot of heat and light. the issue i grabbed is almost talking about how laser etching today works. almost

overall the books feel like a kind of very niche almost mad science vibe.

audrey still refusing to eat her food that has medicine in it. how she knows, i don't understand. but i guess just keep trying to do it this way. so far no pee, but shes also still very moody/upset abt the ear goop attempts so who is to say. she EVENTUALLY gets MOST of at least ONE dose a day but aauugughhh child please i just need u not to pee on the couch and the bed and any piece of clothing or rug or towel on the floor that you think you can crumple up who TAUGHT YOU THIS

animals

beasts

stressing as i am, i am no better. what can i do. try my best i guess

i was reading a comic that was done in the homestuck online-only-narrative-style abt these dog aliens breaking into an ancient mall and gun-skateboarding around shooting ghosts or whatever but then i closed the browser to see what the hell was making the internet go slow and lost the link. something-sync. sync-something? good luck fucker

[edit: its https://zerio.io/synodiclink/ ]

its always been so much easier to be mad than sad or stressed out, but its really just not a good default big emotion. i cant say 'fall asleep forever' is a huge improvement but it is -an- improvement over 'lash out' like in my bygone youths.

just tired, just wish things were better sooner.
monday awaits. just another day, after all.

maybe i'll finally get around to taking sticker club promo photos for the last few months >.>

i dunno. i feel like if i could hop into a pocket dimension for a week to reorient myself it would be good. perhaps thats why it is not allowed. i would simply become too powerful.

boring day, nothing to really report compared to frogs yesterday tbqh

trying to change up how audrey gets her anxiety meds. if i break a pill into quarters and mix it with delectables slime will she eat it? without being stressed out???

didnt get nearly the art time i wanted today but its kind of my own fault. instead i organized some stuff i want to do this coming week, including rounding up pokemon plush for market who need a nice steam clean and wipe down to free them of dust and cat fuzz. started throwing some con box stuff together too cuz theres a few things like gachapon pokemon collections i also want to see if can be sold. plus my own prints n zines!

did a tiny, tiny bit of painting

but mostly did errands. get laundry detergent here get cat litter there get produce over here and then round to the post office. alph just took a nap when he got home cuz he spent the morning at the dentist anyway.

finished up the expack content in final fantasy xiv, did the raid w my friend kyn. really fun raid!!

kind of dreading streaming tomorrow but i will Do It, as they say.

some extra cables for the mp3 player arrived late, some soap from scents fur all arrived early. ive been sleeping better since the mp3 player, tho the funky volume controls are still ehhhh so im hoping to find bargain good headphones or something sometime soon

i put some stix in my stixers book, i really hope someone will trade stickers w me at pccc. lol

ehehhgggg i keep telling myself i should do pushups and if im doing this i should be doing that. off to up some push

later

whoof its already 10pm

today was fine, got a big piece done for the game project. talked to my dad on the phone, gave kitties medicine. did chores with the mp3 player going and it was preeeeeeeeetty great i think im kind of in love. it lets you PREVIEW what comes up next (and after and after and after) in shuffle.

im literally watching final fantasy cutscenes in the background, trying to unlock a new fight desperatelyyyy. i was looking up at the tree line and imagining seeing my bunny man's ears and was like hm i really need to play that before i go insane wondering what the new fights are.

new biz cards are ready but i figure i will get them tomorrow

its still very dry, we still need a lot more rain than we are getting

see ya tomrorow

four days into blaugauguagust

yesterday alph managed to get red the yamaha vino running!! her throttle cable was uhh real loose. ive never had her excited to pull forward from a stop before!! she still needs the carb cleaned, honestly, but at least i was able to get some paintings mailed at the post office today and pick up a parcel.

mostly a day of adulting tbh. calling our home insurance agent to get flood insurance set up, since climate change designates us in a flood zone now. not /too/ dear, but still, 500$ out of my pocket owch. sent that on to the mortgage lender, hopefully that'll be the last scary letter they send on the subject.

also trying to coordinate the town electrical crew who want to cut tree limbs with the arborist who is gonna take a tree down. both want to work on the same week, and i'm just like, can yall maybe not be on top of eachother? hello? difficult to do as the arborist is an old hippie who isn't super prone to check his phone and the lighting plant... had their phone off the hook all day. >.> but at least they replied to email.

still chugging ahead w the artwork on the indie game project!! on point to be ready for the demo release at least. tomorrow's work should be a fun one but may not all be finished in a single day.

audrey got chased all over for her morning medicine, and luna cursed her out for DARING to be held tightly by a human in front of her. poor little audrey :( all i read up on buspirone said that in 8 weeks we should see a change, but it's a rough 8 weeks as this highly anxious little animal feels constantly beseiged and then confused as she's released after getting her ears rubbed. i need to get a latch to put on the inside of the guest room door to try to cut down on the chase aspect. she's been spending all today hiding inside the 70s electric organ in the living room. i offered her some treats but she didnt even want them. tho at 2am last night she wanted me to play with her when i got up to use the bathroom? i think she's just really confused and scared, doesnt know what to feel about all this. but... she hasnt peed on anything since starting the med...

got a parcel from my friends at violence skateboards today, some tshirts and stickers hell yea. was hoping for the cables to my mp3 player too, but whatev, this is still good.

running laundry and keeping the doors/windows closed because there's a lot of wildfire smoke in the air today. the news has all but stopped talking about canada, so i didn't realize canada was on fire again until my dad said something. i really do not like the whole media blackout aspect of fascism where we dont talk about countries we're in a fight with. it is not great.

more positive news... ordering some eevee art stickers for PCCC and leftovers will likely go into the kofi shop. aw yis

i'm hearing from a few folks that there's issues signing up for comradery.co tiers. i guess it makes sense as the platform is still very beta-y, but i haven't seen any solutions pushed out in the last update either. soooo i guess i'll add a print club tier to kofi. i also want to add stream tickets but i'm still trying to think my way around the logistics of that. its not so super easy when you're handling a thousand other logistics of adulting. like where's the time for my brain to function in this capacity? non existant.

the lack of free time really is an issue to me. one of the things i run into a LOT is folks who want to pay me for art, desperately, but i just DO NOT have the time to take them on. i'm kind of running the ship here, keeping the house together. and when i'm not doing that, i have the few regular backers i want to be sure get their art, and when not doing that, i really would rather just draw something for myself??? still??? it's a genuine "i do not have time" thing. which is also why i get so, so irritated when folks play games with paying me. i do not have time to waste on non-payers or folks who will ask for superflous edits specifically to delay their payment due date. but i guess since i have nice communication a looooot of jokers want to try to take advantage. not my fav. no way no how.

plus you add on the fact i'm meant to keep running a glut of random social medias to 'find traction' and upload art on the regular... i just do not have time for nonsense. honestly that was my sentiment finishing up cancer treatment too. i do not have a ton of time left, and i do not have time to waste on people who dick you around. if someone is negligent and shitty to me in a social capacity 3x, ya out. inexplicably my mother was utterly shocked by this even though i warned her OVER AND OVER it was coming. she was just full on "you cant do that n_n uwu" like fukkin watch me. you ghost me to hang out with transphobes and nazis repeatedly? bye. i am not wasting time on feeling bad because of your inability to treat me like a person. da end.

its advice id give to anyone really. if people repeatedly decide reasons not to treat you like a person? drop the dead weight and move on. and it does suck because some of the folks i dropped were fun to hang out - when they werent spurning my experiences or openly judging me for being poor. not worth the price of admission, even if the rides are fun, basically.

today i trimmed my sideburns because i was starting to look a little like a werewolf. not in a sexy way, just in a sudden sprouts of hair way. looks better now. still bums me out that i got one month of liking my reflection before chemo took that guy away. but hopefully there's still a solution out there. hopefully.

been using old dead spinning-style hard drives as paper weights around the studio. these things are great imo, ive absolutely used them as hammers before too.

FINALLY got a complete mp3 archive of the story of dr kildare radio drama too. now if i could just find the knifepoint horror episodes without the new obnoxious advertiser intro/outro. my bad not getting them all earlier i guess.

OH YEAH the queer games bundle FINALLY launched. some of my sketchbooks are in here but more importantly you can get like 600 games, comics, books etc - many of whom were dispreportionately hit by the demonetization and delisting censorship panic earlier this month. so you'll be supporting over 300 queer creators if you purchase a copy.

get em here: https://itch.io/b/3062/queer-games-bundle-2025-with-10-option

or if you really feel like throwing money around check gofundme or chuffed.org for gaza fundraisers, and buy someone some milk or flour. please. i really wish i could continue to do so myself but i'm not financially stable enough to keep it up alone. those two platforms have verified the folks seeking aid as real people and not scammers, so it is a sure thing you are giving money directly to those affected by israel's horrendous genocide and forced starvation campaign.

also i saw someone concerning yesterday that they dont want to do a blaugust because they feel no one reads their blog... i dunno i mean i write these at a conceptual "reader" but deep down, i know these are 99.9% for me. and that's kind of always been how i journaled? i used to write on paper as a teen, writing on the net just means there's the odd chance someone stumbles across and takes the time to follow your cognitive written journey. and it's nice if someone does opt to join you, but really that shouldn't be the end goal. but i always get stressed out with the numbers game on social medias. i never learn to game the algo. i feel like its brain poison, tbh, and i'm glad that fediverse instances let me turn off follower counts or post metrics all together!!!! i dont NEED to see that!!! i know if a post pops because i see all the lil icons interacting, but i do not need to count them. because they are people and not a statistic i should be trying to venture capital line go up fuck with. feel me?? kind of Hate that bluesky doesnt let you 'hide' your followers until you pass 1k, then its like "1.1k" or whatever which is more abstract. if i ever get there, thatll be a relief, but i HATE that i even HAVE to ASPIRE to "get there" to be free of hte anxiety. numbers games, man. fuck the numbers games. twitter is nothing but a numbers game, you see how healthy THAT place is :P

its 4 oclock and i gotta pee, thats enough blauging for today. l8r