wolfwings: (Default)
No Fate But What We Make

First, some context for those stumbling across this post in the ether:

Before last Halloween, I met one of the most special people in my entire life, M'Lady Paintless, her amazingly talented husband Metz, and their three wonderfully amazing kids.

I'd known M'Lady for years before that off and on before they were known as M'Lady Paintless in the fandom, and I was one of the ones that helped 'vouch' for them moving to the US as Metz was not a US Citizen only M'Lady and the children were.

When we finally met after they'd moved to the US there were what I can only described as sparks, more intense and life-awakening than anything I've experienced before. We... weren't sure what to make of it. They were distinctly and steadfastly monogamous, from the get-go, while I was poly. But we enjoyed each others company, and I scheduled another visit out... and another... and we decided to try something insane... while it wasn't Poly, we were all open to... well... seeing what happened?

We pursued this approach, seeing what would grow... and kept finding places I'd stumble, I'd face-plant... just... places where I stopped, suddenly out of road to drive down...

The best example I can give, is it took someone telling me I should be scrubbing my shower floor. I'd been washing it out and wiping it down, but I'd never scrubbed the textured surface. I simply didn't realize there was a concern towards keeping it looking that clean, I just... I'd never considered it before.

Or as another example, I was told to pull some stuff out of the fridge, and the lettuce I pulled out was wilted and very sad looking, almost slimy at points. I... had eaten lettuce in that state plenty of times, and when she complained the look on my face explained it all: "Huh? What's the problem?"

I've... basically never truly wanted in my life; I've had to eat very bad stuff compared to what most of the US expects I think, including dumpster-diving at grocery stores at times, but I've never wanted. I've had plenty of food, plenty of safety, plenty of sleep. I've never truly had hardship, someone in my web of friends always stepped in and helped me out... but I'd come to rely on that web existing, that safety net. So I'd never grown up, never hit rock bottom to find where I could for sure plant my feet, just trudged through the swamp of life so far to date.

And for not wanting... I'd never learned what I wanted either. So I almost never make a decision, I always pushed it off; like even when asked which baked potato I'd want from a tray from the oven? I'd freeze up. Just solid... not have an answer, not even able to choose such a simple thing. I froze.

I'd learned early on to just push off the decision to others, what do THEY want? How can I help THEM? Not outwardly submissive, but indirectly passive-aggressive type submissiveness even if I was domineering (beyond dominant in a bad way) about doing or getting it.

Beyond that, I also was... impatient? ...rushed? By the time it mattered, we'd clashed heads so often I was almost waiting for us to clash heads again, if we had time to cuddle or anything I'd almost have a list of bullet-points I'd run by as fast as I could, trying to complete the list before I got my hands bit or we butted heads... and THAT caused us to butt heads all the more.

So, yeah, I kept cascading a huge failure state between us.

Me and the kids? We got along quite well mostly, though I found out finally what scared them about me. To be frank... I explain things in too much depth and left too deep an understanding of why something was bad, instead of just a quick 'That's bad!' I'd explain why.

Me and Metz? Still get along just fine. As Metz put it: I'm a great technical 'employee' mindset, I can tackle design ideas for hardware to support a design easily, and implement them for computers at least.

But overall? I'm simply immature. In ways I couldn't understand before because I'd never been around those that had lived a truly hard life, I'd been around those that I could 'rescue' repeatedly, or that would willingly keep giving me tasks to complete and micro-manage me. I'd been taken advantage of and take advantage of others, in lay-mans terms I'm learning I've got something that's... similar to co-dependence, but I'd learned to fix some pieces in recent years without realizing, so I'm not fitting it in every way, but it's a good fit and is helping some to learn more.

So, recently, we'd decided I needed to move out to an apartment nearby; we simply needed distance while I fixed my personal issues we've found. My physical issues I've mostly fixed at this point, I'm healthier than I have been in YEARS, and have shed considerable weight, over 40lbs though I have no goal so I haven't kept track.

Then, today, a friend was driving the rest of my stuff out from Kansas City, something we'd scheduled before now but I'd forgotten about. So I discussed it with M'Lady and Metz and the driver, and we decided I should take advantage of the ride and help with the drive back to Kansas City if I could find somewhere to stay there.

It says a lot that it's still fine for my stuff to stay w/ M'Lady and Metz for now. There's no ill will there, it's simply that there's critical damage between myself and M'Lady right now, damage that can't be repaired while we're in the presence of each other. Healing is needed.

And then in another change of circumstance, Karma of Sparkle Kreations contacted me the night before my Kansas City driver was coming out, and asked if I could help them with some fursuit work, specifically soldering fursuit bits.

So... plans tweak again, my driver was fine hanging out for a few hours, so we (me, Karma, Cirque, and the driver) all went out to a local mall just to hang out, see if we get along as a group, and discuss the possibility of me staying for 4-6 weeks to save up enough to get an apartment.

And that's where I'm at now. Moved a few dozen miles away to stay at a friend's place for a month and change, and then I'll have an apartment entirely on my own for a month or two before my future roommates can move out and we'll be there for at least a year, seeing where we are at that point.

So... that's where I am now, what mistakes I personally made to end up here, and what I'm doing about it medium to long term. But I'm staying in the Denver area, I'll be around at some meets w/ Karma and Cirque perhaps, and I think that summarizes the current situation.

As for where I hope to be after that? I still wear the necklace M'Lady gave me, I will continue wearing that. I still have hope. This hasn't been a door closing, not yet; this is very much a last ditch effort to avoid having to close this door, pulling back to re-assess and let things calm down, let the irritation die down as I work through my issues.

But this attempt to repair things... it hurts. A lot. I won't deny that. I haven't cried this much since Vex's funeral, haven't been this much of a mess in years. M'Lady would and has told e to stop staring at the wreckage and do something to clean it up. And I am. Tears or not, I'm moving, not wallowing in those tears.




Edit in 2016: I'd posted this months ago, but M'Lady Paintless felt it revealed far too much, and that it could be used to hurt the kids, and to paraphrase her: If I threatened the kids she would destroy me. So I removed access to this post at the time.

She has since blocked me online entirely instead of ever suggesting what I could edit to post this, so I'm unlocking it for public view at this point.

A lot of what I wrote at the time was in the mindview of trying to make amends still, hoping to patch things up, but that ship has well and truly sailed at this point. I'll never truly understand what I did wrong, only taking solace in that I never gave up on things until she gave up on me.
wolfwings: (PotC3)

I just sent this in as my comment (not yet visible as of this posting, give it a couple days) to the public comment on TSA-2013-0004-0001 docket and felt I should share it here as well.

Behind a cut due to length. )

wolfwings: (Default)

This is partially some notes, and partially a guide to setting up a fully UEFI (though not Secure Boot enabled) Linux laptop, optimized for use with any and all SSD's including the most recently known details (as of January 2013) on how to get the best performance and endurance from consumer-grade SSD's, including minimizing I/O latency and allowing as many features of Linux as possible to work.

Note, however, that I am making one specific trade-off: I'm optimizing for a machine with 8+GB of memory, and an SSD under 100GB when we're done, so I'm not even attempting to add swap space or enable disk hibernation as a result.

This work was done to configure a Dell Latitude E6430 w/ 16GB of RAM, and a Samsung 840 Pro 120GB SSD. I must give Dell EXTREMELY high marks for their UEFI BIOS, BTW. It's the best I've seen for dealing with advanced setup and configuration and made this a breeze compared to my ThinkPad W530's BIOS.


Overview )

Partitioning the Drive )

Creating the Filesystems )

Kernel Configuration )

(Non-)Bootloader Configuration )

Dual-Boot w/ Windows )

wolfwings: (Default)

I'm seeing one major obstacle to why things like Open Canvas don't take off more:

They require you to use/learn their tools to make art. )
wolfwings: (Default)

Especially as newer information is coming to light, I feel I should make clear that I am being cautious due to my reliance on Google for so much of my infrastructure right now. I can't afford the time right now to set up replacement infrastructure at this moment, so I have to protect the infrastructure I have in place.

This is why I've deleted my Google+ sub-account for now but fully plan to re-enter the platform once this policy loggerhead is cleared and sorted out. We are, literally and figuratively, watching a civil war of sorts play out inside Google in a very public fashion due to differing cultural opinions of what a name is and how policy should be enforced.

But I am still very heavily following the discussion, and a recent post by +Robert Scoble where he says he talked with Vic Gundotra about the 'real names' policy is very telling.

A bit of background: )

Vic doesn't use his legal name on his Google+ profile.

This shows the magnitude of the cultural fight going on inside of Google, I feel. I've copied the post below for your convenience, please note that ALL highlighting, emphasis, and hotlinking in the post has been added by me. The original post was/is a flat text entry, which I've linked to from the timestamp field in the subject line.

Robert Scoble's Post )
wolfwings: (angry)

The following is, verbatim, what I submitted as feedback to Google for why I left Google+ )

Amusingly, this re-activated my "Google Profiles" link, so that is active instead of a redirector to my Google+ account. So http://profiles.google.com/wolfwings still works and displays correctly.

wolfwings: (Default)

Working.

I wish it was more complex than that, that I had some amazing thing to show for all this time busy besides more cash in the bank, but I don't.

I've had several projects I've been promising to work on, and they've all sat nearly 100% idle because I've been so run ragged I can't focus to code or work on anything detailed... I'd love a good old-fashioned night of physical exertion right now. And no, I'm not being subtle here... camping, wrenching on cars, hiking, sparring, BDSM, sex, a mix of the above, but something physical is what I crave lately that doesn't involve staring at a screen or sitting on my ass for hours.

As to why? That's simply. I haven't had two contiguous days off in around a month now.

I took two days off of work (last saturday/sunday) so I could rescue a friend by driving out to Las Vegas and back. 50+ hours sitting in a vehicle as a result across roughly 6 days. That was a big marker that got called in.

This weekend I've gotten called into work, opposite my normal shift of midnight->noon to cover someone for noon->midnight, so I'm basically losing this weekend as well. I've heard something about the earthquake in Japan, but I'm oddly detached from it... I just don't have the brain-power to spare to dedicate to that it seems.

This last Mon/Tues/Wed ended up spent almost entirely sleeping instead, and doing a crap-ton of chores like my own laundry and bedding that had been badly neglected until I realized my own bedding smelled funny, then (again) getting called in to help with something suddenly.

So... there goes the last 4 weeks of my life, and before that it's just way too much of a fucking blur at about the same tempo. And the annoying part to me is so much of it is tasks that simply force me to drop all my side-projects suddenly, without having a chance to explain why or schedule ways around my absenses, which hurts.

Help? =^.^=

wolfwings: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

I'll actually be running around as a werehyena, possibly for three nights in a row. =^.^=

I've made some 'ragged, burst-out-of clothing' to wear over my brown-hyena fursuit Split Paw, leaving the pockets intact on the remnants of the jeans so I have somewhere to store ID in case it's needed.

Friday evening, I'm going to a big-time local party that takes over the local central train station area for the evening, then heading in to work directly from there.

Saturday, I'm going to another party before work.

Sunday, once I get off work, I'm hanging around to tromp around the trick-or-treat areas around town as much as I can, hopefully with a friend driving around in their vehicle so I can bounce around more easilly from area to area.

I'll likely toss on my Cal-Trans-style reflective vest over everything else just to make sure I'm good and visible to cars when I'm outside, but otherwise just screwing around as a hyena as much as I can. =^.^=
wolfwings: (Default)
What so many others have said: Bad rollout and badly breaking the 'least surprise' theory of UI design with this new release with a crap-ton of social-site cross-linking options being added.

It's all blocked at the style-code layer for my own journal now using CSS abuse for now mostly because it's finally reaching the tipping point that makes the site obnoxious to use via my BlackBerry and noisy/cluttered on even my 1920x1200 screen browser at the small font size I use.
wolfwings: (Default)
I have a friend that's kinda freaking out because they found out the doctor they'd been going to that'd been having them do basic physical rehab for knee pain hadn't been telling them the whole truth of the MRI results: They actually have a hole in the cartilage and some bone damage. They hadn't mentioned either of these things on any of the previous visits, just offered the occasional cortisone injection.

They (my friend) finally has an appointment with a sports-medicine doctor on Monday, but this sudden shift in what's wrong from 'not much, possible tilted knee cap' to 'Yeah... you have a hole in your cartilage, not a tear, and your bones have ground together some already!' had them kinda freaked out and they're wanting to talk to someone that's dealt with knee problems before, to get some second-hand knowledge and talk to someone else that's gone/going through similar to themselves.

Anyone out there on my wide-ranging friends list care to talk to them? Comment here, I'll grant access to a second post that'll be up immediately after this one with contact details.
wolfwings: (Default)
Someone that's worked in this country for a decade, payed their taxes, is flying home in a couple weeks because nobody can hire them because they've been unable to be allowed to immigrate.

It disgusts me that this happens, while those that bum-rush across the border by any means they can and disregard our laws entirely are now being given a free pass.

Both aspects disgust me, that they both in effect mean the same thing: It doesn't pay to even try to obey the immigration laws in this country anymore, a country that is one of the most immigrant-based countries of a large size I know of, second only to Australia.

No, we can't afford to actually 'secure our borders' like people keep preaching, I hold no illusion on that. And deporting them doesn't slow anything down, if anything I'd be all for imprisioning them for 30 days before deportation just to delay the flow of them back in and impact the money going back out to discourage things.

The core problem to me is simply the unfairness that someone perfectly willing to pay taxes and obey the laws of the land is banned from working here, but those that flaunt our laws and flip the bird to us, get in and get work.

Unless you can justify why my friend I've known for years is having to fly home after living in this country for a decade working at a single job for the majority of that, but was unable to immigrate despite their proven work ethic and ability and willingness to obey our laws and regulations, don't try to convince me that this ruling is a good one. Save your typing. I'll leave comments enabled for now though.
wolfwings: (Default)
As usual, just what it says on the tin. Looking for an artist willing to design a bit of steampunk-ish gear, specifically: I'm getting a fursuit of my actual fursona, WolfWings, and I'd like to get a bit of jangly, steampunkish kit to wear over the fursuit mostly over the front chest, shoulders, and arms.

The only real way to describe the idea is a post-apocalyptic steampunk urban shaman. Or to use a lot less fancy words: Drop a stereotypical Amerind 'shaman' into the wrecked cities of the movies "I Am Legend" or "Book of Eli" or the games "Fallout 3" or the "Left 4 Dead" series and imagine how they'd piece together a ceremonial outfit. Just realize this would be worn over top of a fursuit based on the character sheet I've had drawn by Wolf Nymph. Think things like using a driveshaft from a car as a ceremonial staff, and the like.

So... anyone out there know any artists that'd be interested in a commission like this? There's no rush on it, I won't have the fursuit itself for many, many moons yet.
wolfwings: (PotC3)
[Poll #1588232]

Just what it says on the tin, how far away would you be willing to have a relationship with someone else? Conversely, it's kinda related to how often do you need to see your other half or halves, I suppose, since the further away something is the less often you can see it.
wolfwings: (gryphon)
You know how sometimes people on your friends-list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes. Read more... )
wolfwings: (Default)
...especially with the newest linkjacking code that LJ has rolled out with the newest code release, I need to get off my ass, finish my S2 style (any designers out there want to make a visual theme? Happy and able to pay for your trouble!) and get my ass over here to DW it looks like.
wolfwings: (Default)
Casually discussing a technical problem with a house-mate that works in IT as well: Just upgraded the core switch at a friend's house to gigabit, had someone in the house make a quick test to/from the NAS I set up for them, still only getting 5 megabytes/second throughput. Mention 'whew, there, ethtool set up... yeah, the NAS is running gigabit' casually, and start discussing it with my housemate. Only option since the other server we tested from, under Linux, claims gigabit support at full and half duplex.

So I mention, "Either the cable's lost one of the non-crucial pairs on the home-run or his patch cable, or the plugs have a fouled pin somewhere along the way." Housemate mentions, "No, that'd stop even 100-Base," and it degrades quickly when I mention, "Um... 100-Base only requires two pairs, gigabit requires four pairs," as he thinks 100-base-T also requires all four pairs.

I just got quiet, pulled up the spec, and verified. Nope, 100-Base-T requires two-pair CAT-5 or better cabling. 1000-Base-TX requires four-pair CAT-5 or better, with CAT-5e or CAT-6 recommended to improve tolerances. Mention this, apparently that was pushing too far... =-.-=

I just saw a technical question, with a possible technical counter-point raised, and so I figured, "Go check the spec," while my housemate saw it as, "RAR! Won't stop arguing until you admit I'm right!" mentality, and I didn't realize it could be interpreted that way. *sighs* Sorry?

Anyways... yeah, rant over.
wolfwings: (Default)

This can technically cover a NAS, a file server, a web server, or anything else. In my case, it's being used as a borderline NAS/file server/media server for a household.

All drives are hot-swap, the RAID is heavilly growable (from 4-8TB usable w/ 5 drives up to 16+TB with more drives, all hot-swap), and this is based on the newest tech out there so things are fast, stable, and I'm focussing on the 'easy' side of the 80/20 equation: I'm putting in the 20% of the work that gets 80% of the benefit, so please don't make recommendations like "why didn't you use XYZ file system, or set ABC tunable based on I, J, K, and L aspects of your syetem?" because my answer for all of those is: Because I didn't need to eek out 100% performance.

Even with sub-7200RPM drives, and only five of them, this RAID array built in about 5 hours, and reshapes to/from RAID 6 in around 8-12 hours. A rebuild takes about 6-8 hours, using these relatively slow but modern drives. With a 4k-chunk size, aligned with the 4k sectors, I'm seeing write speeds in excess of 90MB/second, and read speeds in excess of 200MB/second, so this thing can theoretically saturate a single Gig-ethernet link pretty handilly as a file server.

First, this is based on Gentoo. I go with Gentoo because they have a rolling-release schedule, versus a backporting schedule. This server was based on the 29th March 2010 sync-point. It varies very little from the normal Gentoo Handbook. I reconfigured the hard drives in fdisk to 32 sectors per track, 128 heads per cylinder, and adjusted cylinders-per-drive accordingly. This results in 2MB cylinders, which also align with the 4K sector size on newer hard drives no matter what you do in fdisk at that point. All partitions are normal, none of them are the 'RAID automount' type.

MDADM is included in the autobuilt install-CD, so I just used that to configure the RAID initially, then made a filesystem and installed normally on top of it. I specifically tuned the file-system to reserve 1% of the resulting 5.3TB available for root only, instead of making a seperate 'operating system' partition. So there's two partitions on each drive: 1) a 40MB 'boot' partition RAID1 across all drives, and the remainder of each drive as the 'system' partition in RAID5 or RAID6 (your choice, you can change this choice later) for the 'system' partition.

All of this is fairly simple, and the normal Gentoo Installation Handbook steps are taken with one exception: Manual Kernel Configuration, to include initramfs support and add mdadm support.

First, we need to set two packages to include the 'static' USE flag, which forces their binaries to be statically linked so they can be safely included on the initramfs easilly.

1) Make a directory on your new system during the installer:

mkdir /etc/portage

2) Then run these commands:

echo sys-apps/busybox static >> /etc/portage/package.use
echo sys-fs/mdadm static >> /etc/portage/package.use
emerge busybox mdadm

That'll rebuild busybox, and install mdadm as static-linked binaries. Next, a few options to enable on the kernel:

Enable initramfs support, but disable all forms of compression of the initramfs, because the entire image (including the compiled-on initramfs) will be compressed at once instead. I pointed it at the /usr/src/initramfs directory for where to pull the initramfs from. Now, configure that directory:

mkdir -p /usr/src/initramfs/dev
mkdir -p /usr/src/initramfs/proc
mkdir -p /usr/src/initramfs/sys
mkdir -p /usr/src/initramfs/newroot
cp -a /dev/{console,null,tty,tty1} /usr/src/initramfs/dev
chown -R root:root /usr/src/initramfs

Copy your busybox and mdadm binaries to /usr/src/initramfs:

cp `which busybox` `which mdadm` /usr/src/initramfs

Now, you need to write your 'init' for the initramfs as a shell script. Yes, a shell script. It's tricky to get right, so here's a full copy of the one I use. :-)

#!/bin/busybox sh
/bin/busybox mount -t proc proc /proc
/bin/busybox mount -t sysfs sys /sys
/bin/busybox mdev -s

# We have a basic /dev tree configured now. We can manually assembly the md* devices:
/bin/mdadm -A /dev/md0 /dev/sd?2
/bin/mdadm -A /dev/md127 /dev/sd?1

# We need to 'rebuild' the /dev tree before the md* devices will show up though:
/bin/busybox mdev -s

# Now we can mount the root file system, and drop the temp file systems:
/bin/busybox mount -t ext4 -o ro /dev/md0 /newroot
/bin/busybox umount /proc
/bin/busybox umount /sys

# And finally... switch to the new root filesystem:
exec /bin/busybox switch_root /newroot /sbin/init

# Oh-shit panic code, to drop us to a minimal busybox shell to examine the wreckage:
echo Failure! Press enter to boot a shell instead...
read
exec /bin/busybox sh > /dev/tty1 < /dev/tty1 2>&1

Make that owned by root:root, and RWX permissions for root as a user at least, and you're set. You can now compile your kernel like normal, though it'll end up just shy of 1MB larger than normal due to the initramfs. This is assuming you compile your hard-drive drivers into the kernel, and I recommend leaving your USB drivers as modules so if you leave a USB device plugged in it won't error on you strangely. This is a first-pass init script, better can be done, and note this isn't using LVM's but just raw MD devices for the RAID.

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