It's done...

[wolfwings]

...I've removed love_hate_rape from my LJ friends list, my cell phone, and every other system I had a connection to her on, per her request.

Now I just want to go vomit... to throw up. I'd say kill myself, but I have neither the means nor the capacity to do so... I fucked up, and suicide would just be giving up, not surviving the pain like I've required myself to do for many years now. I earned this punishment, as much as I'd wish I could end it...

And gooberriffic? Right now... I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. I'll be at Rick and Tess's unless Nyssa is there. I'd like to give her time away from me at this point, I don't want to hurt her enjoyment by my presence. I seem to have hurt her enough already with my presence...

For now, I'm going to go mourn, in a way. I'll get her the book back on Tuesday, and we can at least end things civilly I hope.

Gods... I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just... I just got a couple hundred bucks from my mom so I could go shopping for new clothes next week and everything... And now my life's falling apart before my eyes... My chance... I fucking ruined it. Yes, me. Not Steph, not `Nyssa. Me. I fucked up, royally, with both fists, right up the ass.

God's fucking damned me...

Comments

[love-hate-rape.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to stop speaking to you or anything, Wolf. I'm just not going to put myself in a deeper than surface level friendship. that's all. I just don't want to be hurt or see things deeper than they actually are.

[zorichan.livejournal.com]

I hope it wasnt anything I did....

No, hon.

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

This, as far as I know in ever level, has nothing to do with you at all, Mary. *hugs*

After being stuck away from the world for two days, I got to thinking...

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

...and I think, after all, this might be best. I realized I over-reacted some in my haste to cut all ties with you, and in the process acted more than a bit childish.

I'm sorry whoever that was Mr. Anonymous said what was said too. That was serious un-cool.

I guess... I'm not ready for anything more than friendship with anyone... Though... I didn't consider what I did with Steph sexual, and I think that was a sticking point in my initial reaction. I had a very hard line, namely one's underwear, that I consider that boundary. This... is making me re-evaluate how appropriate that mental marker was and/or is.

Still, I would like to talk on Tuesday when/if you stop by Rick and Tess's place, not to try to 'patch things up' or any such nonsense, I know that's not possible, now or most likely ever. I'd just like to talk a bit...

But right now, I feel like the world is slowly tipping backwards and forward and my depth perception is going all screwy from lack of proper rest and far too few calories to keep myself safely awake like I've been having to do in a cross between humid heat and dry cold... I'm gonna go crash.

Re: After being stuck away from the world for two days, I got to thinking...

[love-hate-rape.livejournal.com]

I should be by around 10 or 10:30... I would like you to meet Ryan, and I don't know what exactly we would talk about, but I would like to sit and chat. I don't remember how to get there exactly, except from memory, so it should be interesting to see how I do... *grins*

I wish you would take better care of yourself. I understand your reaction... it just reminds me of Remy so much I don't know if you are doing this to hurt me, to cause me to help you, to cause me back into your life, or just because you actually can't care for yourself right now... or a combination and mix and match... It worries me, tho.. See you tonight.

Was fun meeting Ryan, actually. :-)

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

Was kinda cool having that impromptu Shinai too... felt a lot different than at the Fur-B-Q... Having someone attack was somehow more comfortable I guess. That... and I realized a big problem I have, because those brief moments when Ryan didn't let up but kept striking, I was able to accept and deal with better than patient traded blows.

And I guess... it's not any single thing.

I don't think I did this to hurt you... If I did it wasn't an intentional choice.

To cause you to help me... doesn't make sense to me, as I don't see how this would do that. As you've said, I fucked up, that's a nice load on my shoulders that's my responsibility to bear. Seven or eight years ago... yeah, I might have done something dickish to try to get pity or what-not, but I've tried to make a point over the last three or four years of owning up when I fuck up, for lack of any better way to put it. :-)

And trust me, I'd accepted, if nothing else, that at this point the chance of having you 'back in my life' is somewhere between slim and nil, at least for the foreseeable/immediate future. I've got a nice fat debt of sorts to work off first to you somehow if I even can. :-)

As to caring about myself? *sighs* That might be a fragment of it... it's always been easier to let myself be the one to take the injury, to just 'deal with it' and 'walk it off' to use old cliches, than anything else. I tend to let myself drift in semi-idle too often... And having you around suddenly gave me something else to work for. Oddly, since I had something fanning my flame for the next two days solid with the stupid flights and what-not and work, that fire you got going under my ass never had a chance to go out, and it's still chugging along at least, which at first I was afraid it would fizzle and I'd start drifting again.

And speaking of that, for that, thanks, hon. :-) And hope you sleep well, too. *lighthugs*