It's done...

[wolfwings]

...I've removed love_hate_rape from my LJ friends list, my cell phone, and every other system I had a connection to her on, per her request.

Now I just want to go vomit... to throw up. I'd say kill myself, but I have neither the means nor the capacity to do so... I fucked up, and suicide would just be giving up, not surviving the pain like I've required myself to do for many years now. I earned this punishment, as much as I'd wish I could end it...

And gooberriffic? Right now... I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. I'll be at Rick and Tess's unless Nyssa is there. I'd like to give her time away from me at this point, I don't want to hurt her enjoyment by my presence. I seem to have hurt her enough already with my presence...

For now, I'm going to go mourn, in a way. I'll get her the book back on Tuesday, and we can at least end things civilly I hope.

Gods... I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just... I just got a couple hundred bucks from my mom so I could go shopping for new clothes next week and everything... And now my life's falling apart before my eyes... My chance... I fucking ruined it. Yes, me. Not Steph, not `Nyssa. Me. I fucked up, royally, with both fists, right up the ass.

God's fucking damned me...

Comments

Was fun meeting Ryan, actually. :-)

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

Was kinda cool having that impromptu Shinai too... felt a lot different than at the Fur-B-Q... Having someone attack was somehow more comfortable I guess. That... and I realized a big problem I have, because those brief moments when Ryan didn't let up but kept striking, I was able to accept and deal with better than patient traded blows.

And I guess... it's not any single thing.

I don't think I did this to hurt you... If I did it wasn't an intentional choice.

To cause you to help me... doesn't make sense to me, as I don't see how this would do that. As you've said, I fucked up, that's a nice load on my shoulders that's my responsibility to bear. Seven or eight years ago... yeah, I might have done something dickish to try to get pity or what-not, but I've tried to make a point over the last three or four years of owning up when I fuck up, for lack of any better way to put it. :-)

And trust me, I'd accepted, if nothing else, that at this point the chance of having you 'back in my life' is somewhere between slim and nil, at least for the foreseeable/immediate future. I've got a nice fat debt of sorts to work off first to you somehow if I even can. :-)

As to caring about myself? *sighs* That might be a fragment of it... it's always been easier to let myself be the one to take the injury, to just 'deal with it' and 'walk it off' to use old cliches, than anything else. I tend to let myself drift in semi-idle too often... And having you around suddenly gave me something else to work for. Oddly, since I had something fanning my flame for the next two days solid with the stupid flights and what-not and work, that fire you got going under my ass never had a chance to go out, and it's still chugging along at least, which at first I was afraid it would fizzle and I'd start drifting again.

And speaking of that, for that, thanks, hon. :-) And hope you sleep well, too. *lighthugs*