Am I really such a horrible person?

[wolfwings]

I've been talking with my landlord/boss/friend sysable or Mark Merlino as most of you may know him as.

It's come to my attention that numerous people, including specifically ben_raccoon find me to be, to put it bluntly, an asshole.

So, I'm posting this as an open question. Have I really turned into that much of an asshole as of late towards everyone, or have I always been one, and simply not known it and/or been fooling myself that I was a good person? =-.-=

It seems like everyone and everything I care about has been slipping through my fingers, and it really, royally, sucks. dragonballx is something I was all raring-to-go for, but I can barely get the energy up to read the existing stuff, let alone post anything. And that's what was my driving force for a while, to say nothing of other things like all the Yahoo Groups I belong to.

I guess this is a huge post to ask for thoughts, especially from those that may not like me, as to how I can improve, or at least what they've seen me do wrong specifically so I can search for a way to improve, even if they can't tell me how.

And yes, I should be in bed, but I just can't get to sleep. =-.-=

Comments

*blinks* I never knew there was a difference either. =O.o=

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

That's what strikes me most about that... until you just said that, I never knew those two sentenences had a difference either. And that just reinforces what you said further. Guess there's another reason me and your ex call each other brothers more often than not is that we share many, MANY mental traits.

To me, clue and idea are synonyms, so can be used as such at a first instinct when I'm speaking. *smiles a little* And people wonder why I like sharp, exact languages instead of the vague English language? :-) If nothing else, thank you for pointing out that misunderstanding of English I had.

I know I've been fighting a distinct disconnect between my brain and my mouth/fingers for most of my life. One can fall totally out of sync with the other, and unless I come to a full and complete verbal stop, I sound like a hard-locked computer with a fragment of a word looping in the sound-card buffer still. Not quite stammering, as I'll start repeating the middle, end, or the gap between words just as easilly as the beginning.

And yes, I would like to talk further when you feel up to interacting with me, hon.

*thinks*

You know, for me hon is just what I learned, growing up, as a generic declarative. No specific meaning behind the word, just something I learned to tack onto the end of sentenences. And that one word freaks out one co-worker at the office for some reason he can't explain. =-.-= Dunno why that matters, but thinking along the line of track of words mattering more than I thought, that just popped into my head.

Re: *blinks* I never knew there was a difference either. =O.o=

[ssurgul.livejournal.com]

Indeed, I was going to comment on it when I came across it. It happens a lot more in furry than anywhere else I've seen, and it's happened with a few others.

Normally, though, the term 'hon' tends to denote a level of intimacy, even with friends, that takes a while to establish. If that level isn't established, it tends to be used either in a VERY relaxed situation (such as at a bar or party, when one is a little inebriated) or when one is starting to talk down to someone, (ie: Well, that's YOUR opinion hon.). It's the same for things like 'dear' or 'darling' or even 'sweety'. It's certain to make people uncomfortable unless you've established a different rapport with them beyond coworker. For my own part when anyone says it other than my partner at the time, it makes me uncomfortable because I tend to associate it as one of those patently tacky nicknames that ALWAYS crop up between couples. And unless I'm a couple with someone, I tend to feel it is as though they're making themselves my partner.

And that only reinforces that language is, in and of itself, a horrible lie. We presume we're communicating and we're just lying because others will hear our words, no matter how clear, how concise, and walk away with assumptions and thoughts that have nothing to do with what was said.

The biggest problem you'll have, which is the same thing he has, is a strong, and clear drive to improve, and a desire to change and improve. This will mean constantly notating when you make a mistake, and noting what would have been better. Constantly reviewing that list, and then starting to actually extrapolate the whole, rather than focussing on making a single adjustment here and there, as that will only frustrate you all the more.

Also, you'll need to make sure others know you have a significant problem with social interaction, but by that same token, not trying to lay all the 'blame' or 'responsibility' for making you 'better' on everyone else. I hope that makes sense, and it's probably the hardest thing to really understand of what I said.

Anyway, feel free to look me up on Taps, or Tiger, or any others you're on. I'm mostly on Taps, though.

Re: *blinks* I never knew there was a difference either. =O.o=

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

Not sure how much, or what I'd say, but if I can, I may track you down on Taps occasionally. I'm on as WolfWings (I'm WolfWings just about everywhere, it seems) so feel free to bop a p#mail my way so I know who you are. :-)