Am I really such a horrible person?

[wolfwings]

I've been talking with my landlord/boss/friend sysable or Mark Merlino as most of you may know him as.

It's come to my attention that numerous people, including specifically ben_raccoon find me to be, to put it bluntly, an asshole.

So, I'm posting this as an open question. Have I really turned into that much of an asshole as of late towards everyone, or have I always been one, and simply not known it and/or been fooling myself that I was a good person? =-.-=

It seems like everyone and everything I care about has been slipping through my fingers, and it really, royally, sucks. dragonballx is something I was all raring-to-go for, but I can barely get the energy up to read the existing stuff, let alone post anything. And that's what was my driving force for a while, to say nothing of other things like all the Yahoo Groups I belong to.

I guess this is a huge post to ask for thoughts, especially from those that may not like me, as to how I can improve, or at least what they've seen me do wrong specifically so I can search for a way to improve, even if they can't tell me how.

And yes, I should be in bed, but I just can't get to sleep. =-.-=

Comments

[lionman.livejournal.com]

Sometimes life gets us so busy that we lose track of the things that are important to us. And sometimes we put too much on our plate that we become overly busy with projects and things we want to do. It's important to know what our limits are in terms of things we can be actively involved in.

If you exceed that limit by much, things start to falter, and you become over-taxed. Could that be more of the case here? Are you without the time to do all the things you'd hoped to do, as well as you'd like to do them, and thus seem to come off as an asshole?

I know my opinion of you is biased, puppy. But, these are just some of my first thoughts about what you've said and posted here.

*sighs* I've NEVER had time to do everything I want to. =-.-=

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

My biggest obstacle, is that I do the most 'mental' work just before I go to sleep. I can write term papers faster and easier in the late evening or early morning before going to sleep, than I can when I first wake up.

I run on a distinct curve. Physical ability draining into mental ability as a function of how long I've been awake.

And with all the computer-type 'mental' things I like to do, I usually find myself torn between getting enough sleep for work, and being up until I can even grok some of the code I write, let alone write more of it. I simply cannot code first thing in the morning, but neither can I dig a trench after being up for 36-48 hours, what seems to be my 'natural' sleep cycle without outside stimuli. Awake for 36-40, asleep for 8-12, repeat.

So, yes, I think that may be part of it.

I'll think about what, if anything, I can step back from most easilly. :-)

Re: *sighs* I've NEVER had time to do everything I want to. =-.-=

[lionman.livejournal.com]

I feel for the problems with time constraints, I really do. You just have to decide what the important things are and ..well, tie them down, make time for them and let the lesser things diminish. If your friends are on that list of things that you have to give less time to, and they really are your friends, then they'll still be your friends when they get bumped back up on your priority list.

Decide just how much you can handle on your plate at once, then try not to volunteer for more. It'll take some experimenting at first, to decide where your reasonable limits are, and where you're more comfortable doing as much as you -need- to do, and not more than that.

*LionHUG* You'll get there, it'll just take some time to find the right balance. But that's the rub, isn't it, finding just the right balance? :-)

[dennisthetiger.livejournal.com]

Maybe not an asshole - an asshole is...well, think Denis Leary. =^_^= There's also an undercurrent of pride to go along with it.

I think where the problem lies is that many people/furs/whatever who are hackers tend to not be adaptable socially. In short, when you get along with the computer at those levels, people sort of fall by the wayside, and you seem intense to them. One loses patience with these types simply because they don't hit your expectations as fast ("What? How come you can't figure out that 'kill -HUP `ps -A | grep X`' is another way you kill X from a prompt as root?").

(OK, that's a bad way to work kill, I know.)

So is it wrong? I don't know. I'm not the one to answer that. I wouldn't even necessarily say it's a fault. But if it's a trait you want to get rid of, don't expect it to go away overnight.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

oh LOL I'm nowhere near that level of understanding, but I sooooooo get frustrated when I have to go back to the uber-basics to help people. -.-;; Sigh...

Actually... 'killall X' would work too.

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

But that my brain thinks of that before any other coherent response says something, doesn't it? =-.-=

Thank you for the thoughts, though I don't seem to understand how I can 'fix' that very readilly. =-.-= I try to be patient with people, but I've never been able to explain things verbally to others, I can demonstrate, and answer questions about it, but unguided explanation is something I've never been able to do. :-/

a definshion of a person

[katvixen.livejournal.com]

wolfy wolf... I personally never thaugh of you as an asshole. I believe we don't think or live on teh same mental plane. Whut is earth shattering important to me is liek 14 on your list. I find i think of you more like a wolf / cub who is learning as he goes along. mucth like a normal wolf would if thay where rouges. You are a bold person, who don't know when you may be stepping on peoples tailes til that yelp. It is all apart of the learning and growing experance.

OK that is my two cents and i have argued more with you then anyone (besides your mother)

always playful Baping
Kat Vixen

Re: a definshion of a person

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

And I think all those arguments we used to get into, in some way, improved us both. Yeah, I may not have conceeded a point at the time, but I can think of a couple times when, later on, something you'd said would finally 'click' and I'd understand.

Thanks, Kat. *hugs* For not killing me, but trying when it was needed. =^.^=

FWIW

[ssurgul.livejournal.com]

You only barely know me, and that mostly through others.

However, I'll be blunt as well. Over my years in the furry-dom, I've heard a lot of people speaking badly of you. I know my own personal interaction with you at Baycon (I was the one taking pics of you fighting) was less than positive.

My last partner, however, had the same mental situation you do. It leads to a whole lot of socially-unacceptable bluntness without any insight into why these things were taken amiss. As a perfect example, this ex said one day that 'You have no clue....' when what he meant was 'You have no idea....' Telling someone they have no clue is less than polite, while telling someone they have no idea is just fine. He saw no difference between them until it was pointed out to him, and even then he didn't really seem to 'get it'.

I'm not really sure what to say beyond that. I do find you attractive physically, and such, but your outlook makes it difficult to want to talk to you, knowing that at any moment, you'll say something purely innocently that will come across as a hideously bad insult. I didn't like the added strain of having to be on guard against that with my ex 24/7, and it's not something very many, at all, will be comfortable trying to maintain. I guess that's the only thing I can say is to try and understand that you may be insulting someone a great deal, without even meaning to, and that it's best to try and make others aware of it beforehand, until they really get to know you.

If you'd like to chat further, I'm certainly available.

*blinks* I never knew there was a difference either. =O.o=

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

That's what strikes me most about that... until you just said that, I never knew those two sentenences had a difference either. And that just reinforces what you said further. Guess there's another reason me and your ex call each other brothers more often than not is that we share many, MANY mental traits.

To me, clue and idea are synonyms, so can be used as such at a first instinct when I'm speaking. *smiles a little* And people wonder why I like sharp, exact languages instead of the vague English language? :-) If nothing else, thank you for pointing out that misunderstanding of English I had.

I know I've been fighting a distinct disconnect between my brain and my mouth/fingers for most of my life. One can fall totally out of sync with the other, and unless I come to a full and complete verbal stop, I sound like a hard-locked computer with a fragment of a word looping in the sound-card buffer still. Not quite stammering, as I'll start repeating the middle, end, or the gap between words just as easilly as the beginning.

And yes, I would like to talk further when you feel up to interacting with me, hon.

*thinks*

You know, for me hon is just what I learned, growing up, as a generic declarative. No specific meaning behind the word, just something I learned to tack onto the end of sentenences. And that one word freaks out one co-worker at the office for some reason he can't explain. =-.-= Dunno why that matters, but thinking along the line of track of words mattering more than I thought, that just popped into my head.

Re: *blinks* I never knew there was a difference either. =O.o=

[ssurgul.livejournal.com]

Indeed, I was going to comment on it when I came across it. It happens a lot more in furry than anywhere else I've seen, and it's happened with a few others.

Normally, though, the term 'hon' tends to denote a level of intimacy, even with friends, that takes a while to establish. If that level isn't established, it tends to be used either in a VERY relaxed situation (such as at a bar or party, when one is a little inebriated) or when one is starting to talk down to someone, (ie: Well, that's YOUR opinion hon.). It's the same for things like 'dear' or 'darling' or even 'sweety'. It's certain to make people uncomfortable unless you've established a different rapport with them beyond coworker. For my own part when anyone says it other than my partner at the time, it makes me uncomfortable because I tend to associate it as one of those patently tacky nicknames that ALWAYS crop up between couples. And unless I'm a couple with someone, I tend to feel it is as though they're making themselves my partner.

And that only reinforces that language is, in and of itself, a horrible lie. We presume we're communicating and we're just lying because others will hear our words, no matter how clear, how concise, and walk away with assumptions and thoughts that have nothing to do with what was said.

The biggest problem you'll have, which is the same thing he has, is a strong, and clear drive to improve, and a desire to change and improve. This will mean constantly notating when you make a mistake, and noting what would have been better. Constantly reviewing that list, and then starting to actually extrapolate the whole, rather than focussing on making a single adjustment here and there, as that will only frustrate you all the more.

Also, you'll need to make sure others know you have a significant problem with social interaction, but by that same token, not trying to lay all the 'blame' or 'responsibility' for making you 'better' on everyone else. I hope that makes sense, and it's probably the hardest thing to really understand of what I said.

Anyway, feel free to look me up on Taps, or Tiger, or any others you're on. I'm mostly on Taps, though.

Re: *blinks* I never knew there was a difference either. =O.o=

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

Not sure how much, or what I'd say, but if I can, I may track you down on Taps occasionally. I'm on as WolfWings (I'm WolfWings just about everywhere, it seems) so feel free to bop a p#mail my way so I know who you are. :-)

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

*nuzzles* You are NOT an asshole. Assholes are people from PoE.

Yes, some people speak badly of you...specifically, that you're irresponsible, like that time when Oneesan picked me up. That kind of thing.

It sure as HELL doesn't stop me from loving and trusting you as much as I do. People think I'm an asshole too, so let's run away and be a pair of 'em!! ;)

*chuckles* Thanks, beloved. *hugs close*

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

I think... I have a different meaning of 'responsibility' than seems acceptable in society. =-.-= I try to do what is logical, and assume people will understand my actions too deeply, as my logic simply doesn't work for others. :-P

So that leads to many situations like the pickup that had to get redirected to Tess's house the other day. But for me, it's a base-level instinct to be that way. It seems to work so well for some things, like at Native American gatherings, but out in the 'real world' it definately breaks down somewhere, and that I can't figure out where specifically is an on-going problem I'll have to keep working at. :-/

[dustmeat.livejournal.com]

Naw, you are really hyper and talk really fast and cannot stand feces, but you are not an asshole ;)

*giggles*

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

But at least I give good backrubs, or so I keep hearing. =^.^=

Thanks, Megan. *snugs*

[manawolf.livejournal.com]

You're not an asshole. You are, however, scatterbrained and easily distracted. ;) I know some of your mannerisms come across as bragging or as being very self-centered - this is what others have told me, not my view, so I couldn't be as clear as perhaps I ought in regards to that.

If anything you could stand to learn to step back from the shinies and evaluate how other people are reacting & feeling, take those factors into consideration. You're never deliberately mean or thoughtless, all your friends know this, but putting a little more thought into how your words & actions affect others would not be undue. IMHO. Any personal improvement you should choose to embark upon should be due to your own evaluations & goals.

Read dragonballx! Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaad! :D

As odd as this sounds, if you could direct those others to this entry, I'd appreciate it. :-)

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

As for other things, this whole journal post is to try to find out possible goals, along with perhaps build a network of others to get in touch with, that have any idea what-so-ever of problems they see me as having. Which of those I choose to follow up on is my call, but hearing all that are willing to talk certainly can't hurt. At worst, I hear something I don't see as a 'problem' worth working on, now or perhaps ever. At best, someone (as has happened already) can point out problems I have, that perhaps I can work further on both on my own and with outside help, perhaps not even the person pointing out the original problem. :-)

As for dragonballx I'll have tommorow off. I'll be reading it ALL tommorow if I can. =^.^= And maybe even writing if I can see a place to work myself in, and an find that person on-line on IMs to hash things out further with as well. :-)

[jade-darkness.livejournal.com]

ok so now it's my turn to comment on this....


I would have to say in the typical form of the word, no your not an asshole. But also i like to think of it this way, everyone is an asshole according to someone else and everyne is an asshole in some way that another person isnt, i could be considerd an asshole because of my nasty attitude, wich very few have been treated with. you could be considerd an asshole because your views on what is acceptable decisions doenst match someone elses (example v-chan's standing on the laguna beach thing). Yes your logic is different than alot of ours, considering everyone has thier own different logic, the majority of people grew up with the same type of logic but applied in different ways if i'm making any sense here which i'm probably not.

However i dont consider you an asshole unless yoru acting like one, and EVERYONE has their moments, just some more than others. Then again you know me, i'll let you know when your acting like one. I could come up with dozens of words to describe you but as i will not get into that right now because i'm falling asleep and in state of missing the bunny again my mind is starting to wander so i think thats all. If it doesnt make sense sorry but in short

No your not an asshole though sometimes you do act like one.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

1) You're not an asshole. You were raised by humans. Decent humans, amazingly. This puts you a half-step out of sync with everyone else. You never learned to be consistently irrational.

2) Anyone who goes out of their way to point out that they think you're an asshole has a hidden agenda. It may be a desire to genuinely help you . . . but then again, it may be a desire to get something out of you.

3) I am a card-carrying dyed-in-the-wool 100% pure grade asshole. That's one of the ways I know you're not one.

4) Everyone has three things: an opinion, an anus, and what I delicately like to call "issues." Some people see their issues glaringly reflected by you, and can't handle it.